the awakening

Damn it. I sent him an email 3 hours ago and he hasn't replied. Am I obsessing? Of course. I forgot about this part of dating.

The exchange of power. The anxious excitement toward the unknown. I shouldn't have sent the damned email. I wasn't in an emailing mood, but he sent me two in a row.

Since I replied, he has the power. Now I am the one who opens yahoo, signs in, and feels my heart stop until I see if there are any new messages. Yes? Two new messages? Please God, don't let it be a Facebook notice saying that my pot-addicted friend has posted two more comments on how much he loves everyone. I don't care, Rod. You will hate us in a week, Rod. You better the hell not be wasting my hope looking at those two beautiful blue numbers next to "inbox" on your Facebook comments, Rod.

And so, breathe held and heart stopped, I click on the magical blue 2 next to inbox.

Damn it. Both emails from Facebook. Fuck you, Rod! Get a life! (she judges from her obsessive online pursuits at home in pj's on a Saturday night) My heart drops. I've given a man power over me as I anxiously wait for the next email.

All will be better once I get his next email. I am then free to smugly wonder if he is good enough for me. I can take my precious time in replying. I will enjoy holding the power for a little while.

Petty? Yes. Reality all the same. A little bald man who I, with time, am coming to like more and more and am coming to think really is quite full of himself now holds the email power.

Damn it. I know he is just writing a sermon. I will go empower myself and watch TV. Who has time for emailing anyway? I have a life, you know.