now I know

I know what I want. To end it. Tonight helped me to make my decision.

He cooked dinner. It was good! We sat and talked, cuddling and then watched a movie. The entire night, he told me how beautiful I am, that he loves me, how much he values time with me. I wanted to watch "Indiana Jones." He wanted to hold me and synchronize our breathing. I wanted to go home. He wanted me to lie in bed with him until he fell asleep. I was thinking "damn, breaking up with him will be hard" only seconds before he said "I still love you." I refused sex. Refused to lay in bed. Refused "just ten more minutes" before I left. I did NOT say "I love you" back.

Now I know what to do. I just don't know how to do it.

Become more and more of a bitch so that he doesn't mind a break-up?
Do it now, so to get it over with, knowing that he thinks everything is wonderful?
Quit answering the phone so that he knows something is up?
"It's not you, it's me" is very true here. I just know that it is the worst break-up line.

I need to hurry up and figure out my game plan. I've been eating Cadbury Eggs like carrot sticks. The stress is killing my waistline.

"that girl"

I am now "that girl." I don't know what I want. There is a man fighting to be in a relationship with me. He is putting his heart on the line and pursuing me. The ex wants me back.

Now I don't know what I want. A friend described this situation. She said that you can choose to hurt now or to hurt later. Most people choose later.

One Hand: This is a wonderful guy whom I want to love. He makes me laugh out loud, makes me think, and says things that are so unapologetically affectionate that I don't know how to react. I am very attracted to this man and I love to spend time with him. I want him in my life. I want to witness his life.

The Other Hand: I do not want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to see someone every day (or even more than once a week). More importantly, I can't see how to fall madly in love with someone who doesn't believe in God. I love the nights that I am home alone, doing my thing. I love the freedom of leaving my house messy and wearing my granny nightgown. He wants to share every part of his life with me, but there is a huge chunk of my life that I can't share with him. Church.

It is as if I found the perfect pair of shoes-ones for which I'd been searching for years- and they are on sale. I may never find them again. Unfortunately, they are half a size too small. It is hard to walk away when they are so close to fitting.

So what now?

We hung out on Saturday. There was hand holding, snuggling, and kissing but it was all in public. I didn't let him in my house because I didn't want to have sex. We will hang out tonight and watch a movie at his house. This is safe because it is not private.

Am I stringing this man along? How do you listen to someone voice their undying affection for you and simply sit there quietly?

Are you frustrated with me yet? I am! I guess that I will wait and see.

a cheesy life metaphor part 2

One summer I worked and lived in a National Park. There were woods, mountains, animals, tourists, trails, waterfalls, and encounters with nature that left me like every other city person who encounters nature: full of life lessons and cheesy metaphors.

"That spider teaches me that I should buy new shoes more often!"
"That tree has opened my eyes to the fact that I need to change careers."

Here is one of mine.

The staff of my tiny campgroud cooked a big family meal every Sunday in the diner down the mountain. I decided one week to walk to our gathering down a seemingly short trail that paralleled the road the led directly to my destination. I dressed in my burkenstocks, long skirt, hippie blouse, and tied back my short purple hair (yes, it was as bad as it sounds). I thought I looked hot.

After 20 minutes on the beautiful trail, I began to wonder if I missed a turn. It didn't seem as if I was anywhere close to the diner. I couldn't see the road. There was no way that I was going to walk back UP the moutain, so I tentatively pressed on.

Within minutes, something large rustled in the bushes near me. There were ample friendly black bears in the area, so I froze. A buck walked onto my trail 15 feet in front of me. He was about my height, which is a pretty big damned deer. He looked at me and froze.

For about 1 1/2 minutes (which felt like 3 hours), we stared at each other. I knew that deer don't eat people. They are not usually dangerous. They are, however, very territorial. The buck nodded at me and then turned to face me. It began to snort and puff out its chest, as if it were going to attack.

In that moment, I had to make a decision. I could turn and walk away (uphill, my least favorite way to walk), squat and become small, or challenge the buck. Since I was late for dinner and possibly lost, I stood tall, stuck out my chest, and stomped my burkenstocks in his direction. He ran. I won!!! The trail was mine!! I'd like to think that it was because of my bravery. It could have been the purple hair.

Shaking, I stomped down the trail to scare off any other animals. The diner appeared beyond the trees 5 minutes later. Here are the lessons that I take from my encounter:

1) When I think that I am the shit, I may actually be a girl with purple hair and no sense of direction. Enjoy it anyway.
2) Even when I plan out my future, I may feel lost halfway through the process. I have to press on beyond my doubts to get anywhere.
3) The things that scare me in the moment usually seem harmless later. That doesn't make it any less scary, but knowing that "later" will come helps me to find a way out.
4) If you walk 2 miles down a mountain, make sure that you know someone who will give you a ride back up.

a cheesy life metaphor part 1

I was listening to NPR while they interviewed Charles Barkley's mom. She said, "Always walk like you are going somewhere."

My walk is a big reflection of where I am in life. This is true for most people, but since I am a female with the body of a linebacker, it is more obvious when my walk changes.

When I am depressed, I am barely aware of walking- losing all grace or sense of direction. When I hate myself or feel ugly, I walk hunched down- trying to take up as little space as is possible. When I feel beautiful, I walk slowly and purposefully. When I am trying to empower myself or trying to feel sexy, I walk strong- like the woman in the picture to the right. --> My shoulders are back, chest stuck out, stomach sucked in, head held high, and my stride is long and almost graceful.

I miss that last walk. It rarely comes out these days. We should all walk as if there is an audience watching us in awe. We should walk as if we are going somewhere.

...

Email: "I am very glad to have you as a friend and I really hope this friendship leads us to something better so I can have the honor of having you back in my heart."

Text: "I just wanted to tell you that you have been on my mind all day today and I miss you so bad"

The ex-boyfriend is not making it easy for me to stick to the plan. It would all be easier if one of us cheated or said something horrible to the other person. Damn.

I've never had a man fight to be with me.

The Sabbatical

Late Saturday night after a distraught man left my house and left me single, I began a six month break from men. This is my sabbatical from dating. I will take this time to renew my sense of self and to enjoy being alone with hairy legs and dishes in the sink. How exciting! Really! I love to be alone! Just not forever.

Why a sabbatical? It becomes significantly more difficult to re-invent yourself while you are in a relationship. That other person has a strong desire for you to be the person that they chose. The woman you were when you started dating. It is tricky to decide to become a vegetarian or to dye your hair when a man wants the familiar version of you.

Sabbatical is my time for a tune up. I will look at other versions of myself and consider a change. I will look at my career and future without the worry of loving a man here. I will eat tacos in bed while watching a movie and picking my toenails. My dog will relax again without a man stealing my attention. The sexy version of me, the woman whose sexiness comes from her inner beauty and empowerment, will emerge again. Without sex.

I am empowered and thrilled for this season! Of course, I am aware that after 6 months men will not magically enter my life and buy me dinner. Six months could turn into years. That doesn't change the fact that I must come up for air. My identity will not drown in a sea of endless relationships.

Why am I sharing a pep talk with you? It is because I need to hear it. The sexy Colombian came knocking on my door last night and begged to get me back. I am trying to do the right thing. We are going to the movies on Saturday, but just as friends. Honestly. Really. No more dating. Right?

Touched by the Grim

A few posts ago, I talked about glimpsing the Grim Reaper of my current relationship. That particular issue hid in the closet never to been seen again. Unfortunately, the friendly little Grim was replaced by an ass-kicking, relationship-ending issue last night.

This weekend I had a wonderful extended date that ended in tears. I felt like Tom Hanks who walked onto an elevator with his girlfriend and walked off of it as a single man.

We cuddled, slept together (the literal sleeping), slept together several times (the non-literal multiple orgasm causing past-time), talked, laughed, went to the mall to watch people's body language and judge them accordingly...it was the relationship from heaven.

Halfway through our shared pasta dish, he began talking about a new subject. That was the end of us.

Have I mentioned on this blog that I am a minister? Yes, I am a super-liberal, sex-loving, fetish convention going, cussing, drinking kind of minister. When dating someone new, especially in the light manner of this last relationship, their faith is not a deal breaker. I can't date someone who worships Satan. I do have to date someone who can respect Christianity.

Respect. Our conversation last night revealed that the hot, young, kind, funny, intelligent Colombian had a strong disdain for Christianity and all religions. He wasn't just apathetic. He went on a faith journey that led him to believe that anyone in a church is an idiot. As he spoke, a scowl crossed his face.

Hello? I am a minister. He met me while working at our church. The faith in Christ part of my life pretty much IS my life. As strange as it sounds, my faith in Christ informs everything, including how I attend fetish conferences and say "fuck you" to the world.

That was the end of us. He was fine dating me while thinking that my entire life's work was a joke. I was not okay with that.

Goodbye, sweet boyfriend. Goodbye, hottest straight man I may ever kiss.

I am now on a six month break from men. This is actually something I've wanted to do for a while now. You may now look forward to charming posts about anything but romance. You are my accountability.*

*I hold the right to cancel this dating sabbatical if Prince Charming knocks on my door and offers to mow my lawn.