No! Really?

Today I've decided to take offense at society in general. I turn 33 in two weeks. Apparently 33 is the age that pushes a single woman from being young to being shockingly old for having no family.

Here are three instances that lead to my offense. They all happened in the last 24 hours:

1) I meet a 23 year-old pharmacy student at our college house tonight. I mentioned that I was in my 30's. She looked shocked, as if I said that my right arm was made of wax and chocolate. "NO! Really?...Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that. I would have said you were, like, 27 at most."

Thanks? Being 32 is now something that I need to be comforted over? Those 5 years between 27 and 32 shifted me into a sad, pitied spinster?

2) In a conversation with other college students, we were explaining to someone the new phenomenon of planking. They played this stupid game on "The Office" and now college students take pictures planking everywhere. We decide to get a photo of a girl planking on a chair. I give her tips and tell her where to lay her arms.

Her friend says, "Um, no offense but I was just wondering...now don't take offense to this, but is this something that people did when you were young?"

Me: NO

Her: Then how do you know so much about it?

Me: I watch "The Office" too.

Her: Oooooh.

When I was young? Back in the olden days? Thanks, 21 year-old. Offense taken.



3) My mother. Yes, my mother. The woman who gave birth to me called yesterday:

Her: You have a birthday coming up! In two weeks! What, are you going to be 31?

Me: No, mom. I am turning 33.

Her: Really? Wow. I can't believe that. I guess that I still see you as 27 or 28.

Thanks, mom. Now I know that you will be praying to Jesus about the fact that I will die alone.

I know that 33 is not 21. Yes, at 33 I am a grown woman and I do have limited years to find a husband and have children. Society still sucks. 33 is NOT 40. How did I reach an age that requires strangers and mothers to comfort and pity me? Fuck you, society.

Big changes?

I've officially gotten back "out there." Well, sorta. I've taken the step to go back on the free dating website but am not yet serious enough to pay money for bad dates (from match or eharmony). I've only had my profile back up for a few days.

Last night my ex messaged me on the site. The funk musician ex. It has been 1 1/2 years since we dated and I haven't really looked back since we broke up. Chatting was light and pleasant until he threw out the phrase "I've gone through some big changes lately but I'm still the same guy."

Stupid me. I had about 4 seconds of hope after that phrase. Big changes?

Has he gotten a real job?
Quit smoking pot every day?
Does he have car insurance?
Is he no longer in love with the girl downstairs?

Maybe he has really changed and now he is going to get me back and we will get married and have beautiful intelligent and muscial mixed-race children.

All of that in four seconds. I forgot how much false hope grows out of getting back "out there."

Me: Really? What changes?
Him: Well, I finally finished my masters degree and moved to Asheville

Maybe he has straightened his life out! We won't date, but I now know that people can change!

Me: Awesome! What are you doing in Asheville?
Him: Working in a kitchen and getting to know local musicians.

Oh, the same minimum wage job and loser dreams you had before. Excellent.

Me: I love Asheville. You are lucky. Is it as wonderful as I think it is?
Him: It is a cool city. Everyone here is full of themselves, though. I've also moved around a lot in 6 months. I've had a lot of wierd live-in landlords who were crazy but finally found a 38 year old woman as a landlord.

Whaaaat?

Me: Where do you find these people?
Him: On Craigslist.

Ooooh, that's right. Nothing has changed. You have no credit and don't pay your rent so you are reduced to finding creepy roommate situations on Craigslist until you find a woman to live with that you will secretly fall in love with and never date.

Same job. Same resentful attitude toward society. Same irresponsiblity. Same fucked-up approach to love. Your big change is that you are now an irresponsible loser in a different city.

The ex then tried to arrange a booty call that required me to drive 5 hours to see him. It was offensive on so many levels.

So now I am back out there! The adventures already begin!

because I can't put it on Facebook...

my invention

Tonight I stumbled upon a new awesome thing: Extreme Lawnmowing!

How does one stumble upon extreme lawnmowing?

Step 1: Put off mowing until the you have dandelions that are mature enough to turn into white puffs of seeds in the next 12 hours.

Step 2: Wait at work for an extra 40 minutes with a kid whose big brother is always late picking him up.

Step 3: Notice stormclouds on the horizon as you pull into your driveway 10 minutes before the sunset.

The result is me flying across the lawn at the top lawnmower speed. It was dark within minutes, which forced me to turn on the headlights. I do all this while watching huge bolts of lightening move from the horizon to overhead.

It. Was. Awesome. I will wake up tomorrow to a lawn with huge patches of unmowed grass, but I knocked out most of the dandelions that would otherwise have multiplied by noon tomorrow.

Extreme lawnmowing = top speeds in the dark with lightning flashing overhead.

who could ask for more?

I woke up this morning in a bad mood. A wonderful dream about being loved was ripped from my mind and replaced by the sound of an alarm. And an empty house. And another day of work. And a horrible, resentful mood.

It didn't go away. I had to explain to my male co-workers that I had a bitch seething just below the surface...watch out.

At 3pm, I realized that feeling bad inside and out may actually be due to getting sick. Achiness and an unexplained hatred toward the world = a nasty cold in 2 days.

I left at 4:15, went home, got the dog, and left again to gather supplies for a wild Friday night in bed (movies, food, gatorade). Because I felt bad, I did not put my jeans back on. I left the house in a dress that is 4 inches too short to be respectable. I figure that I am technically dressed and I will drive past actual hookers to get my pizza, so I can risk looking foolish for 2 minutes.

I pulled into the grease-stained parking lot of the gas station to get my red box movies. While standing in front of my machine outside and dodging cars that drive precariously close to me, a lady pulls up and says something out the window. She is eating fries and I can't understand her.

Me: I'm sorry, what? (polite smile)
Her: Girrrl. (with a fry literally hanging out of her mouth) You WEARIN' that lil' dress.
Me: (beaming but trying to play it cool) Thanks.

Grease-stained parking lot, over-crowded crappy gas station, and fries hanging out of her mouth...this woman just made my day.

Thank you, lady. YOU are why I love my town. Who could ask for more?

deep thoughts...

Unlike Cher, I would not seem more beautiful or talented if it was announced that I was a man in drag.

deep thoughts...

Schoolteachers who knowingly use the word "ain't" or, even worse, "ain't no" are the societal equivalent of doctors who knowingly smear shit all over the walls of a hospital.