Goldilocks and the Three Breakfasts

Last night, my shiney new boyfriend was at the house until 3:30am. We'd been fairly intimate....intimate enough that there was the awkward waiting period for me to either invite him to stay or for him to offer to stay. I did not offer an invitation. I did, however, say "oh, look at the time" and yawned.

Why? I am just not ready for the overnight stay. I don't want to know if he hogs the covers. I have no energy for worrying about morning breathe or other morning issues. I don't want to cook him breakfast.

I have a theory that a man's character is greatly revealed in how he reacts to breakfast the morning after. When I am expecting a guest of any gender, I keep eggs, bacon, and canned biscuits in my fridge. It is a rare gesture of hospitality on my part. Since I usually wake up with the personality of a pit bull, it is also a labor of love. Guests, whether wearing clothes or not, often wake or at least exit the shower to the smell of biscuits.

My experience with men and breakfast is a lot like Goldilocks. (aside from the obvious fact that I am not a cute young blonde with boundary issues)

Man #1-

Me: How do you like your eggs? What would you like to drink?

Him: Hmmm. Do you have coke? No coke? Oh well. Anything, I guess. No, I don't really like fruit. Or biscuits. Oh, the eggs were good--I just usually cook them runnier. (eating in silence) Um, thanks for breakfast.

This man was too cold. It turned out that he was, in general, a self-centered ass who didn't really care about my part in the relationship.

Man #2-

Me: How do you like your eggs? What would you like to drink?

Him: Oh, I will cook you eggs! I want to do that! I am good at that! Where are the eggs? Where is the pan? Where is your spoon? Can you break the eggs while I pour myself some milk? Now I am over-cooking the eggs and leaving a pan covered in burnt egg in your sink for you to clean later. Oh, I am so proud of my eggs. Aren't I awesome?

This man was too hot. He was too hot on himself. It turned out that he had no concept of relating to other people and relied too heavily on his own very wrong perceptions.

Man #3-

Me: How do you like your eggs? What would you like to drink?

Him: Wow! You have breakfast? This is great! I usually like scrambled eggs. Is that what you usually cook? Can I pour you some orange juice while I get some for myself? Let me stand behind you and kiss your neck while you cook me breakfast. Oh, and I will grab the plates. Wow, you are sexy in the morning with no make-up.

This man was just right. Unfortunately, it only happened once and then he turned into #1 or #2.

No, I am not ready to find out what kind of breakfast companion I have recently acquired. In this case, ignorance is bliss....at least until this weekend when an over-night stay is inevitable. When it happens, I will let you know which bear I encounter over eggs.