Public Masturbation

"All four of my kids made all A's this year! I am so proud of them!"
"I am pumped that my sweet little girl made varsity cheerleading for next year!"
"School is finally out and my son tested in the 95% for the 3rd grade. I am proud of my little genius!"
"My kid just read her first book at the age of four! What a smart little thing!"

Okay, parents. I understand that you love your kids and that Facebook is a place to share that love. The rest of us may not want to read your daily posts telling the world what miraculous thing your child did today. The rest of humanity who did not have the priviledge of being squeezed out of your genetic pool just experiences this as a form of public masturbation.

My child passed their end of grade exams. oooooh, that feels good.
My child made the varsity team. Yes, yes...right there.
My kid got all of the class awards at the end of the year....oh, fuck, yeah.

Get over yourself. The next time that I have to read "I am so proud of you" on Facebook, your kid better have won the Nobel Peace prize or saved a baby from drowning. "Whose your daddy" has a whole new meaning for me now.

Let it be known that I actually like kids. I love posts where parents share cute pictures, tell funny stories, or vent about the life of a parent. The only PRIDE I like to read about is the kind that comes from a gay man. Sorry!