Tonight I stumbled upon a new awesome thing: Extreme Lawnmowing!
How does one stumble upon extreme lawnmowing?
Step 1: Put off mowing until the you have dandelions that are mature enough to turn into white puffs of seeds in the next 12 hours.
Step 2: Wait at work for an extra 40 minutes with a kid whose big brother is always late picking him up.
Step 3: Notice stormclouds on the horizon as you pull into your driveway 10 minutes before the sunset.
The result is me flying across the lawn at the top lawnmower speed. It was dark within minutes, which forced me to turn on the headlights. I do all this while watching huge bolts of lightening move from the horizon to overhead.
It. Was. Awesome. I will wake up tomorrow to a lawn with huge patches of unmowed grass, but I knocked out most of the dandelions that would otherwise have multiplied by noon tomorrow.
Extreme lawnmowing = top speeds in the dark with lightning flashing overhead.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
who could ask for more?
I woke up this morning in a bad mood. A wonderful dream about being loved was ripped from my mind and replaced by the sound of an alarm. And an empty house. And another day of work. And a horrible, resentful mood.
It didn't go away. I had to explain to my male co-workers that I had a bitch seething just below the surface...watch out.
At 3pm, I realized that feeling bad inside and out may actually be due to getting sick. Achiness and an unexplained hatred toward the world = a nasty cold in 2 days.
I left at 4:15, went home, got the dog, and left again to gather supplies for a wild Friday night in bed (movies, food, gatorade). Because I felt bad, I did not put my jeans back on. I left the house in a dress that is 4 inches too short to be respectable. I figure that I am technically dressed and I will drive past actual hookers to get my pizza, so I can risk looking foolish for 2 minutes.
I pulled into the grease-stained parking lot of the gas station to get my red box movies. While standing in front of my machine outside and dodging cars that drive precariously close to me, a lady pulls up and says something out the window. She is eating fries and I can't understand her.
Me: I'm sorry, what? (polite smile)
Her: Girrrl. (with a fry literally hanging out of her mouth) You WEARIN' that lil' dress.
Me: (beaming but trying to play it cool) Thanks.
Grease-stained parking lot, over-crowded crappy gas station, and fries hanging out of her mouth...this woman just made my day.
Thank you, lady. YOU are why I love my town. Who could ask for more?
It didn't go away. I had to explain to my male co-workers that I had a bitch seething just below the surface...watch out.
At 3pm, I realized that feeling bad inside and out may actually be due to getting sick. Achiness and an unexplained hatred toward the world = a nasty cold in 2 days.
I left at 4:15, went home, got the dog, and left again to gather supplies for a wild Friday night in bed (movies, food, gatorade). Because I felt bad, I did not put my jeans back on. I left the house in a dress that is 4 inches too short to be respectable. I figure that I am technically dressed and I will drive past actual hookers to get my pizza, so I can risk looking foolish for 2 minutes.
I pulled into the grease-stained parking lot of the gas station to get my red box movies. While standing in front of my machine outside and dodging cars that drive precariously close to me, a lady pulls up and says something out the window. She is eating fries and I can't understand her.
Me: I'm sorry, what? (polite smile)
Her: Girrrl. (with a fry literally hanging out of her mouth) You WEARIN' that lil' dress.
Me: (beaming but trying to play it cool) Thanks.
Grease-stained parking lot, over-crowded crappy gas station, and fries hanging out of her mouth...this woman just made my day.
Thank you, lady. YOU are why I love my town. Who could ask for more?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
deep thoughts...
Unlike Cher, I would not seem more beautiful or talented if it was announced that I was a man in drag.
deep thoughts...
Schoolteachers who knowingly use the word "ain't" or, even worse, "ain't no" are the societal equivalent of doctors who knowingly smear shit all over the walls of a hospital.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Job Volcano
I need to vent.
Issue #1: The crazy ex-secretary. Our secretary began losing her sharpness and love for working with us about 2 years ago. We finally encouraged her to retire a week ago. The craziness is a mixture of ongoing physical pain, jealously of a retired husband, loss of cognitive abilities (probably due to the pain), and general anger at the world.
Now we have an ex-secretary who "retired" while threatening to sue the church. We have all been walking on eggshells for 6 months now. To make things worse, she broke her leg while walking to the car drunk from her own retirement party. The angry disabled and now injured secretary in a small town....t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
Every time a church member takes her food, we cringe and pray. Our staff should really throw a big party, check on her daily, and send out multiple prayer requests but we are still a bit shell shocked and tired of her shit.
Issue #2: The un-wise and irreplaceable children's minister Our children's minister really needs to quit her job and go work somewhere full time. I call her "un-wise" because she keeps putting faith in a husband who cannot and will not get a real job to support their 5 children. Neither of them want to give up their happy $12K/year jobs to grow up and earn real money for their children. Multi-millionaire grandma covers their butts.
I call this picture "Lazy Husband"
This sucks because our children's minister is utterly irreplaceable. She is awesome, gifted, beloved, and a GREAT co-minister. She will leave a huge hole in the ministry staff because she knows everyone and is in touch with everyone's needs. We are silently waiting for her to quit. She needs to quit. He idiot husband will never get a real job.
Issue #3: The new secretary Our Personnel Committee found a new secretary. Unfortunately, this person is a church member, the wife of the university provost (who fires our church members on a regular basis), a perfectly pious Christian, and a CHURCH MEMBER. In the world of church dynamics, you never hire a church member. It is unethical and simply a waiting time bomb. How do you go to worship while knowing everyone's secrets, knowing how much money the person next to you gives, and having fought with the pastor on Friday afternoon?
We told them not to interview church members. They did. We told them this is a problem. They don't care. We had a nice condescending meeting in which they tried to practice damage control with me and the children's minister...making sure that we understood their decision and were on the same page. I practiced self-control and did NOT punch the head deacon when he repeatedly accused me of being overly cautious and saying that it "can't be that bad." Talk to the secretary at home who is thinking about suing us, jackass.
Since this is something that I can't change, I've adapted my attitude and will make the best of this. I will work with her and love her. Now it is a waiting game for Wednesday when they present her to the congregation for vote and the shit may hit the fan. I will also continue walking on eggshells and will save all candid conversation for the safety of my office.
Issue #4: The pastor, retirement, and my career I recently made my profile active with the ministry search program. I realize that if I want to find a wonderful church to pastor (as the head pastor) or ANY church in Texas, I need to search for a few years. My plan is to stay until the pastor retires, help with transition, and then move on.
The pastor just added onto his house and improved his kitchen. He's talked about needing to work on the kitchen for years now. I sat down with him to frankly ask what it meant. If he is going to be here for another 10 years, I can't stay that long. Lock-ins and youth ministry are killing me. If he is about to sell the house, I need to know. He said that he plans to retire in a year or so. Okay. It is good for my profile to be active. (I haven't told him my profile is active...no one in North Carolina can know these things)
Then he threw a curveball at me. He thinks that they will look "internally" for the next pastor. Essentially, he said that I am already in the running for his job. Now that is out there. Can't take it back. He's leaving and he thinks I might be his replacement.
First, I've heard hints of this from other people over the years but even from his mouth I do not have a lot of hope of being the next pastor. They love me now, but it will be pretty impossible to hold up against a 40 year-old PhD with a lovely family and actual experience as a pastor (a lot of people will apply and at least 3 will be as described). I do not at ALL expect to be offered his job, but now it is out there and I am paranoid that he will think I am trying to prove myself.
There is also the awkwardness of some people wanting to offer me the job and then a lot of people wanting someone else...I would have to leave REALLY shortly after that. It is kind of like continuing to date someone after a refused marriage proposal.
Awkward. Once rejection is out there, things just need to end.
Issue #5: The Music Minister is a close-minded ass There isn't a lot to say here. He is excellent at leading worship with a choir but refuses to even attend our contemporary service, more or less help to plan or lead it. He hates contemporary music and has gotten away with ignoring that half of his job for 3 years now. It all came to a head last week when early service was HORRIBLE and we had literally 50 visitors to experience the agony. He wouldn't even enter the room because he knew that what he offered us was crap. Asshole.
Issue #6: The lesbians Two of my best friends at church are a lesbian couple. They got engaged a few months ago. Recently, another lesbian couple started visiting (who got to know our church when we hired them to babysit during choir for 3 years on Wednesday night). This new couple is also engaged. At VBS, another church member invited a new family whose mothers were not just lesbians but interracial lesbians with 3 kids. Everyone loved them and the kids.
We are quietly welcoming and loving these lesbian couples. We are empowering them to lead in ministry and worship. When they get married, things will be less quiet. It will be ugly and the pastor, who finally admitted to me that he doesn't support gay marriage, refuses to do anything preventative or educational. He just wants to retire before it gets ugly. When it comes out and gets ugly, we could lose half of the church no matter what decision we make...half will leave if we support a wedding and half will leave if we don't. Tick, tick, tick. Things are heating up just below the surface. This volcano may do irrepairable damage if it erupts while we are unprepared.
These are just the big issues that I am processing EVERY day.
On a better note, my friends and I discovered a Mexican restaurant next door to the movie theater that serves awesome and very strong margaritas. They help a lot, especially since I can't talk to my friends about most of this. Get drunk, walk to a movie, sober up before I drive home. Tequila is God's gift to stressed and confused ministers.
Issue #1: The crazy ex-secretary. Our secretary began losing her sharpness and love for working with us about 2 years ago. We finally encouraged her to retire a week ago. The craziness is a mixture of ongoing physical pain, jealously of a retired husband, loss of cognitive abilities (probably due to the pain), and general anger at the world.
Now we have an ex-secretary who "retired" while threatening to sue the church. We have all been walking on eggshells for 6 months now. To make things worse, she broke her leg while walking to the car drunk from her own retirement party. The angry disabled and now injured secretary in a small town....t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
Every time a church member takes her food, we cringe and pray. Our staff should really throw a big party, check on her daily, and send out multiple prayer requests but we are still a bit shell shocked and tired of her shit.
Issue #2: The un-wise and irreplaceable children's minister Our children's minister really needs to quit her job and go work somewhere full time. I call her "un-wise" because she keeps putting faith in a husband who cannot and will not get a real job to support their 5 children. Neither of them want to give up their happy $12K/year jobs to grow up and earn real money for their children. Multi-millionaire grandma covers their butts.
I call this picture "Lazy Husband"
This sucks because our children's minister is utterly irreplaceable. She is awesome, gifted, beloved, and a GREAT co-minister. She will leave a huge hole in the ministry staff because she knows everyone and is in touch with everyone's needs. We are silently waiting for her to quit. She needs to quit. He idiot husband will never get a real job.
Issue #3: The new secretary Our Personnel Committee found a new secretary. Unfortunately, this person is a church member, the wife of the university provost (who fires our church members on a regular basis), a perfectly pious Christian, and a CHURCH MEMBER. In the world of church dynamics, you never hire a church member. It is unethical and simply a waiting time bomb. How do you go to worship while knowing everyone's secrets, knowing how much money the person next to you gives, and having fought with the pastor on Friday afternoon?
We told them not to interview church members. They did. We told them this is a problem. They don't care. We had a nice condescending meeting in which they tried to practice damage control with me and the children's minister...making sure that we understood their decision and were on the same page. I practiced self-control and did NOT punch the head deacon when he repeatedly accused me of being overly cautious and saying that it "can't be that bad." Talk to the secretary at home who is thinking about suing us, jackass.
Since this is something that I can't change, I've adapted my attitude and will make the best of this. I will work with her and love her. Now it is a waiting game for Wednesday when they present her to the congregation for vote and the shit may hit the fan. I will also continue walking on eggshells and will save all candid conversation for the safety of my office.
Issue #4: The pastor, retirement, and my career I recently made my profile active with the ministry search program. I realize that if I want to find a wonderful church to pastor (as the head pastor) or ANY church in Texas, I need to search for a few years. My plan is to stay until the pastor retires, help with transition, and then move on.
The pastor just added onto his house and improved his kitchen. He's talked about needing to work on the kitchen for years now. I sat down with him to frankly ask what it meant. If he is going to be here for another 10 years, I can't stay that long. Lock-ins and youth ministry are killing me. If he is about to sell the house, I need to know. He said that he plans to retire in a year or so. Okay. It is good for my profile to be active. (I haven't told him my profile is active...no one in North Carolina can know these things)
Then he threw a curveball at me. He thinks that they will look "internally" for the next pastor. Essentially, he said that I am already in the running for his job. Now that is out there. Can't take it back. He's leaving and he thinks I might be his replacement.
First, I've heard hints of this from other people over the years but even from his mouth I do not have a lot of hope of being the next pastor. They love me now, but it will be pretty impossible to hold up against a 40 year-old PhD with a lovely family and actual experience as a pastor (a lot of people will apply and at least 3 will be as described). I do not at ALL expect to be offered his job, but now it is out there and I am paranoid that he will think I am trying to prove myself.
There is also the awkwardness of some people wanting to offer me the job and then a lot of people wanting someone else...I would have to leave REALLY shortly after that. It is kind of like continuing to date someone after a refused marriage proposal.
Awkward. Once rejection is out there, things just need to end.
Issue #5: The Music Minister is a close-minded ass There isn't a lot to say here. He is excellent at leading worship with a choir but refuses to even attend our contemporary service, more or less help to plan or lead it. He hates contemporary music and has gotten away with ignoring that half of his job for 3 years now. It all came to a head last week when early service was HORRIBLE and we had literally 50 visitors to experience the agony. He wouldn't even enter the room because he knew that what he offered us was crap. Asshole.
Issue #6: The lesbians Two of my best friends at church are a lesbian couple. They got engaged a few months ago. Recently, another lesbian couple started visiting (who got to know our church when we hired them to babysit during choir for 3 years on Wednesday night). This new couple is also engaged. At VBS, another church member invited a new family whose mothers were not just lesbians but interracial lesbians with 3 kids. Everyone loved them and the kids.
We are quietly welcoming and loving these lesbian couples. We are empowering them to lead in ministry and worship. When they get married, things will be less quiet. It will be ugly and the pastor, who finally admitted to me that he doesn't support gay marriage, refuses to do anything preventative or educational. He just wants to retire before it gets ugly. When it comes out and gets ugly, we could lose half of the church no matter what decision we make...half will leave if we support a wedding and half will leave if we don't. Tick, tick, tick. Things are heating up just below the surface. This volcano may do irrepairable damage if it erupts while we are unprepared.
These are just the big issues that I am processing EVERY day.
On a better note, my friends and I discovered a Mexican restaurant next door to the movie theater that serves awesome and very strong margaritas. They help a lot, especially since I can't talk to my friends about most of this. Get drunk, walk to a movie, sober up before I drive home. Tequila is God's gift to stressed and confused ministers.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
seasons for singles
"When Harry Met Sally" was on TV yesterday and Harry said something that I've known for a few years now. It was clearly fall in NYC and they were walking through charming scenes with falling orange leaves. Harry mentions how much the holidays suck for single people. Of course, it was written in some funny way like "I often want to go to bed in November and just not wake up again until after the New Year."
That. Is. So. True.
I am looking at the last 2 months of my best season to be a single woman. It makes sense that I always want to fall in love in October but never in July. Why?
My birthday is in October. It usually falls on the weekend of my family reunion, which I can never attend 1100 miles away. All alone for my birthday and missing family.
Thanksgiving is sad (although less sad now that I have friends to share it with). That is a holiday for family recipes, arguing over the TV remote, and cooking with my mom for 3 days. Again, family is 1100 miles away! I get an awkward pity call from family instead.
Christmas lasts for an entire month. Even when I go home for Christmas, it doesn't make up for the previous 3 weeks of having no family and no date for countless Christmas parties. There is nothing more depressing than decorating my house for Christmas and no one ever seeing it.
New Years. Enough Said.
We recover from New Years and begin to settle into the comfortable cold of winter. I enjoy hiding my holiday fat under layers of clothes and go months without shaving. All is well!
Until Valentine's Day. Fuck you, Valentine's Day.
Yes, fall and winter are horrible seasons for single people. Last year, I had an emotional breakdown when the man I thought might lead to a charming family Thanksgiving dinner quit calling at the beginning of October. My crying fits and self pity lasted for 5 solid days. Why? I'd put all my holiday eggs in one basket and the basket turned out to be a self-absorbed ass.
Fall may be around the corner, but today is August 2nd! Summer is wonderful and exciting! I don't have energy for dating right now! I am happy with meaningful friends and a busy job! My dog is awesome! This is a good season to be single, even if I know that October will eventually come back around to bite me.
That. Is. So. True.
I am looking at the last 2 months of my best season to be a single woman. It makes sense that I always want to fall in love in October but never in July. Why?
My birthday is in October. It usually falls on the weekend of my family reunion, which I can never attend 1100 miles away. All alone for my birthday and missing family.
Thanksgiving is sad (although less sad now that I have friends to share it with). That is a holiday for family recipes, arguing over the TV remote, and cooking with my mom for 3 days. Again, family is 1100 miles away! I get an awkward pity call from family instead.
Christmas lasts for an entire month. Even when I go home for Christmas, it doesn't make up for the previous 3 weeks of having no family and no date for countless Christmas parties. There is nothing more depressing than decorating my house for Christmas and no one ever seeing it.
New Years. Enough Said.
We recover from New Years and begin to settle into the comfortable cold of winter. I enjoy hiding my holiday fat under layers of clothes and go months without shaving. All is well!
Until Valentine's Day. Fuck you, Valentine's Day.
Yes, fall and winter are horrible seasons for single people. Last year, I had an emotional breakdown when the man I thought might lead to a charming family Thanksgiving dinner quit calling at the beginning of October. My crying fits and self pity lasted for 5 solid days. Why? I'd put all my holiday eggs in one basket and the basket turned out to be a self-absorbed ass.
Fall may be around the corner, but today is August 2nd! Summer is wonderful and exciting! I don't have energy for dating right now! I am happy with meaningful friends and a busy job! My dog is awesome! This is a good season to be single, even if I know that October will eventually come back around to bite me.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I hate PMS
I would like to write a poem called "I hate PMS."
I
hate
P.
M.
S.
(I am weepy, horney, lonely, anxious, and lovesick for someone that doesn't exist. Oh, and my face is broken out even more than usual. How do you deal with emotions that you know will go away when your body just starts f*cking bleeding? Stupid hormones. )
I
hate
P.
M.
S.
(I am weepy, horney, lonely, anxious, and lovesick for someone that doesn't exist. Oh, and my face is broken out even more than usual. How do you deal with emotions that you know will go away when your body just starts f*cking bleeding? Stupid hormones. )
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