33 seems to be a daunting age for me. This is mostly because of my lack of husband and quickly aging eggs. It is difficult to remember how young 33 is in the grand scheme of life when every six months without a date takes me a step closer to the back-up plan of being a single adoptive mom (which will, in turn, solidify my lack of marriable qualities).
These things are going on in my head while I ponder career choices and the housing market....and then yesterday Julie Roper added me on Facebook.
Julie Roper was the mean popular girl at church from the 3rd grade all the way to graduation. Julie Roper didn't actively hate me. She didn't tease me or spread rumors. She just ignored me and did the best she could to never sit near me, speak to me, be associated with me, or recognize my existence. She ignored me every week at church for 10 years. Her friends, which made up most of our Southern Baptist Sunday School class, followed suit until late in high school.
Julie started to say hello to me in the 10th grade because she learned that I would hug her in front of people if she did not recognize my presence first. It was a mean game on my part, but the only way that I could enjoy the seeming disdain that she had toward un-pretty overweight badly dressed girls with awkward social skills (aka me).
(Julie and the other popular girls were "bowheads." This is what we called pretty little preppy girls in the 80-90's who wore big bow clips. We also used the word "preppy." There was a mean song about bowheads in the same sense that you make fun of cheerleaders. Which all of those girls were. Damn them)Time eases biases. Facebook is also a great way to see who got fat and who is a loser. That is only reason I can think for her to add me as a friend. I accepted.
Julie Roper opened a porthole to my past. She is a good Texan woman who stayed in North Texas, married in her early 20's, and is raising Texan babies with her very Texan looking husband. She is still friends with all of the other good Texan girls and boys from my Southern Baptist upbringing. Her page allowed me to spy on people that I haven't thought about in 10 years.
Spying led to memories. Spying led me to realize how different I am (being childless, single, and NOT in Texas). Spying brought back all of my awkward mixed feelings from high school. I've looked at my Facebook page and wondered what they would think about me. It is all about work and shows that I am still fat and single. What do they think about me being a youth minister? Do they think or care at all? Am I sad in their eyes? Wierd?
Now Julie Roper and Facebook have turned my normal 30-something confusion into a 30-something confused need for approval from people that I haven't seen in 10 years. People who, for the most part, barely liked me to begin with.
I wasn't in their cool club when we were teenagers and I've just been hit with the harsh reality that I will always WANT to be accepted by them. I don't want to actually reunite with them, just to know that they think I am awesome and that they are jealous of my glamorous life of youth ministry in a tiny town.
Damn it. Maybe I'll spend less time tomorrow worrying about these people who were happily faded into the background of my life story before yesterday.
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