Beautiful weather, the return of short summer dresses, and a haitus from birth control all leave me inspired. I now want to make changes to my life that will feed hope for the future.
It is time to start working out again. A lot. I don't care about losing weight (although I should) but I need to rebuild muscle and stamina. I will go back to the pool. I downloaded music and prompts for Couch to 5K, which I know will last about a week before I give up in pain.
I shaved my legs ABOVE the knee and began the long process of transforming my feet from a calloused mess to smooth and beautiful.
Yes, people, it is time! I am ready for hopeful living! This is the beginning of a journey to prepare for great things ahead...
I decided this week that I want to spend a long stretch of time preparing for sex.
You read that correctly. Sex.
As of today, I will live as a woman who hopes to have lots and lots of sex in the future. Not just getting laid, but good sex. I am talking about love nest weekends in which you do nothing but eat, drink, sleep, and get it on. Over and over again.
If I found the man of my dreams right now and we made love, I would be mediocre at best. I am way too out of shape. The prep time for anyone to see me naked in the next couple of months would be exhausting. I'd be worn out before we even started!
Now I am going to live as a woman who hopes to have great sex far in the future. I don't have time, energy, or a desire to fall in love any time soon. I don't even want a man in my house or on my phone. I do want to have something to look forward to...to live in hope.
Hope for a lot of great, sweaty, dirty, loving, committed sex.
Lap pool, here I come!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
I need a day off from my free time
Today was one of the last days off I will have for another two months or so. Did I go to work? No. (although I am now starting a 11pm-7am shift, so "day off" is disputable)
I am still exhausted.
12:30am- a text saying "Osama Bin Laden is dead!" that didn't bring me joy but pissed me off because I got a text at 12:30am
6:00am- wake up sweating from a nightmare about hiding babies from bad guys
9:00am- wake up from nightmare about trying to find the babies again
11:00am- wake up happy that I slept a total of 8 hours!
11:30am- Read email from my friend, the school counselor, saying that a teenage girl might give her baby up for adoption. Is my wonderful, rich, kind, and barren cousin in Texas still interested?
Noon- call mom to get cousin's phone number. Spend 1 hour listening to her tell me about my sister's relapse into alcoholism and how much she is screwing up my family.
1:00pm- resist the urge to drink because I am so depressed about my sister
1:15pm- talk to my cousin about the baby. Tip-toe and tap-dance around a huge, emotional, and life-changing topic. Listen to her cry and struggle.
1:45pm- email friend my cousin's phone number
(now I had a stretch of time in which I ate Blue Bell ice cream and watched TV in my pj's. it. was. awesome.)
5:30pm- Get a call from frantic teenager. She just had sex with her boyfriend and the condom broke. Listen to her spend 1 hour voicing all of the panic and fear that I've heard from so many other women. And myself. I agree to go to the drugstore with her tomorrow to learn about the PlanB pill and get spermicide to use with condoms.
6:45pm- Pray that I can support this kid without losing my job.
All through the day, I had to read people's comments on Facebook about Bin Laden's death. Whether they were good or bad comments, it made me feel tired just to be a human.
An adoption arrangement, a relapsing sister, and a panicky sexed-up teenager. All were accompanied by a historical bullet to the head. This day off left me exhausted. I need a break.
I am still exhausted.
12:30am- a text saying "Osama Bin Laden is dead!" that didn't bring me joy but pissed me off because I got a text at 12:30am
6:00am- wake up sweating from a nightmare about hiding babies from bad guys
9:00am- wake up from nightmare about trying to find the babies again
11:00am- wake up happy that I slept a total of 8 hours!
11:30am- Read email from my friend, the school counselor, saying that a teenage girl might give her baby up for adoption. Is my wonderful, rich, kind, and barren cousin in Texas still interested?
Noon- call mom to get cousin's phone number. Spend 1 hour listening to her tell me about my sister's relapse into alcoholism and how much she is screwing up my family.
1:00pm- resist the urge to drink because I am so depressed about my sister
1:15pm- talk to my cousin about the baby. Tip-toe and tap-dance around a huge, emotional, and life-changing topic. Listen to her cry and struggle.
1:45pm- email friend my cousin's phone number
(now I had a stretch of time in which I ate Blue Bell ice cream and watched TV in my pj's. it. was. awesome.)
5:30pm- Get a call from frantic teenager. She just had sex with her boyfriend and the condom broke. Listen to her spend 1 hour voicing all of the panic and fear that I've heard from so many other women. And myself. I agree to go to the drugstore with her tomorrow to learn about the PlanB pill and get spermicide to use with condoms.
6:45pm- Pray that I can support this kid without losing my job.
All through the day, I had to read people's comments on Facebook about Bin Laden's death. Whether they were good or bad comments, it made me feel tired just to be a human.
An adoption arrangement, a relapsing sister, and a panicky sexed-up teenager. All were accompanied by a historical bullet to the head. This day off left me exhausted. I need a break.
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