trapped squirrel

SO. Scott, the ex-boyfriend is back at church. This means that I no longer have the ability to avoid seeing him. After two years of absence and a marriage to the woman that he was cheating on me with, he just waltzed back into my world and acted like nothing ever happened.

To put it lightly, it has been awkward. The entire church knows about him treating me like shit. They witnessed his bad behavior as he publicly dated his ex-wife within weeks of dumping me out of the blue. They read his passive-aggressive Facebook posts trying to talk shit about me....even though he dumped me.

Now he is there every Sunday and Wednesday chatting it up with a small crowd of uncomfortable people. Last week, I made peace with this and decided that I'd just say "hi" and ignore him. I've had two years to heal, love other people, forgive, and move on. That doesn't make it less awkward, but it helps me be less angry when I see him forcing his way back into my world.

Last night he asked me out. He timed his exit from church (after I'd already held youth late, hung out outside, hid in the kitchen, and made a run for it just to avoid him) so that he'd walk out with me.

Him: Bye
Me: Bye

Him: Hey, listen. I didn't know if you'd like to get some coffee and talk. Nothing big or meaningful, just coffee and talking. But I'll leave that up to you. I just wanted to sit down and have coffee sometime. But I'll totally leave that up to you.

My first thought? Gee, thanks for leaving it up to me. How generous and super-nice-guy of you to LET me decide if I want to spend time with you.

I wish I'd had the presence of mind to say "no thank you."

Instead I just froze. One foot in the car, one foot on the ground. My butt hovering in the air mid-sit. I clung to the car door and froze. I think I mumbled "oh, okay" and then got in the car as quickly as possible.

There is no concluding thought about this episode from my life. No insight, no wisdom, no venting. This is my present state of misery.

I hate Christians

This week I've decided that I don't want to be a Christian. This will eventually be a conflict with my career of choice. I have a feeling that this is not my first post of this nature, but it is still a problem.

Why are people such assholes? How am I supposed to love people in the church who are racists and bigots?

First, there is Black History Month. For white people who've never left small town North Carolina, Black History Month is apparently a way of being forced false history and a political agenda. I've come to resent Black History Month because it makes me realize that the people I love 11 months out of the year are actually horrible, horrible racists. I am SO SORRY that someone asked you to learn about the heroic work of people that you'd rather hang from a tree (a little dramatic, yes, but I'm pissed). How do you look a friend in the eye after they post racist comments on Facebook?

Second, there is bigotry. Two weeks ago, a gay child moved from the public school to the private school. At the public school, he was being bullied, beaten, and threatened on a daily basis. He turned to the Christian school in desperation because Christians will at least be held accountable to treat him well. Right? No. The teachers and students treated him like shit. After 2 days, he returned to the hell of public schools. This teenage boy turned to Christians for safety and found them to be more cruel than the gang members he was trying to escape.

The abuse of a gay kid hurt me deeply because kids in my youth group go to that school. The headmaster, co-headmaster, coaches, and teachers of the private school are also active members of my church. These are people whom I love and respect. They showed hate to a gay kid for being gay and used God as their excuse. "He wasn't even a Christian, he shouldn't have enrolled." Really? What about the 1/3 of your student body who is not Christian but who attend your Christian school because of other educational, social, behavior, or sports-related issues? Your 4th grade girls gave another child a dildo as a welcome present but you didn't kick them out. Would it have been different if they were lesbians?

I hate Christians. I hate that I can't shame people because they sign my paycheck.