My life has been in a funk lately. Let's correct that. My life is STILL in the funk that began, oh, let's say in April. Yes, it is December. The funkiness of my funk has grown over eight months to my present state of loneliness, bitterness, and general bitchyness.
I'm tired of the funk. This is why I began a war on my own misery by making changes:
1) Find a counselor and spiritual advisor. The counselor is for immediate issues with family and identity. The spiritual advisor is to keep me from walking away from ministry and/or burning down the youth building. I'm still looking for both. It is kinda like dating...it takes a while for someone to call you back and then you don't know if things will click.
2) Cancel cable.
3) Be pro-active to reverse my present lack of sexiness.
Two weeks into this change, I still pretty much resent the world but I have had two life-altering revelations.
Revelations According to Jenny
Chapter 1I do not miss having cable. Mailing the DVR box and remote to Dish Network was surprisingly cathartic. I, a TV junkie, do not miss cable. Instead of sitting in front of the TV, I will clean, cook, organize my house, decorate, start swimming again, give away a lot of clutter, and otherwise become an awesome homeowner. So far, I just watch shows online but this is a journey, right? ("This is a journey" is what I tell myself while sitting in bed for 5 hours straight watching Dexter on a very sketchy website)
Chapter 2Rich people are more beautiful because they can afford to be more beautiful. Okay, so this isn't exactly news to me, but I had it confirmed this week. The path to this revelation was painful and expensive...
I decided to use money I'm saving from cable to begin electrolysis. Electrolysis is a horrible, barbaric, expensive process that women pay for in order to get rid of unwanted hair. Someone shoves a needle into your hair follicle and electricutes you, killing the follicle. They do this for every individual hair. I have a lot more individual hairs than you might think. It is not as painful as I feared, but it turns out that your skin can only take so many stabs and shocks in one day.
After the first day (of many if I stick with it), my face looked like I'd been stung by 100 bees. I spent the rest of the day at home out of the public eye not watching cable. Most people wake up the next day with a fairly normal face. My ridiculously sensitive skin still looked like something out of a horror movie. I met with a new electrolysis lady to talk about my horrible disfigured face. I am not willing to spend a year looking like I tried to deep fry my chin. The woman said that mineral make-up will hide the redness and actually help my skin heal.
Mineral make-up? My mom raised me to stand in the drug store holding various shades of Covergirl up to my face and to buy the one that is on sale. Having the horrible skin that I do, I know that base just makes things worse. It settles into wrinkles, cakes up in dry spots, and creates more red zits that then need to be covered in base.
In the treatment center, this woman brushed powdered base on my face. I was adequately leary of the product simply because she was so enthusiastic. It took 10 seconds. Holy fuck. All of the spots were gone. The grotesque mess had disappeared with no sign of make-up. My face looked normal. It even looks good in the harsh sunlit reality of my car mirror! Rich girls grew up with this amazing kind of shit, but to me it was a 33 year-old's miracle.
So there you have it. I don't miss cable and I am now the owner of rich girl make-up. I'm sure that more revelations are to come. I hope that some have to do with my soul. This is, after all, a journey. I wonder if there is a new Dexter episode online yet.
This boring image represents my small triumph over capitalism.
