sigh

Dear God,

Please deliver me from dating. I've walked away for now. I only had one man left still emailing after abandoning all searches. Now he, my last hope, started writing in detail about his therapy sessions. Therapy sessions, God! I haven't even met this man and he is telling me about emotional turmoil that doesn't have to do with sports!

God, if you are a woman (which I think you are), please give me the strength to be happy alone. You know how wonderful men are. You also know how many bad, bad, bad, bad, badbadbad matches I've met this year. Okay, two years. Three years.

I wanted to go on a date with this last guy, God. The emails before this week were so funny and thoughtful! He is a professional poker player! What a great story that would make! "Yes, once I actually dated a professional poker player."

I now know that you are punishing me for objectifying someone based on their strange profession. I should know better after talking to so many men with dirty nun fantasies.

Yes, God. I hear your rebuke. It was clear to me when this man began detailing his tears and emotional state during therapy. He has been crying for 2 days now because someone lied to him. And he told me about it. I have to walk away from the crazy man. Goodbye, poker player. All doors to possible dates are now closed.

God, give me strength. Please let me be happy and healthy until you bring a liberal Christian man who is not too good looking but has a stable job to my door. May he also be funny and have a respectable penis.

Love, your lonely and tired child,
Jenny

my new lover

I've recently taken a new lover. His name is Sleep. This week, I've been fighting a cold and my new lover has hit the spot. I haven't slept a lot, but the separation from sleep just makes me want him more.

I look forward to going home and spending time in sleep. My body yearns for it. As soon as I'm done with it, I think about when and how I can do it again. I look at my bed with clean sheets and think how satisfying it will be to place myself in its embrace and just surrender to the ecstasy.

Today is Friday. This means that I have an entire night, morning, afternoon, and evening to do nothing but touch sleep, embrace sleep, enter sleep, and then do it all again.

I'm drooling just thinking about it.